Learning to Trust Again
Eleven o'clock on a weeknight I found myself phoning a man whom I'd recently met. We had been talking regularly and I just wanted to hear the sound of his voice. No answer. After four rings his answering machine kicked in and I hung up. How strange. This man made a point of staying home during the week in order to get up at 5:00 a.m. for work. "Call me any time before midnight," he had suggested. "I'm usually reading or listening to music." There could only be one explanation - another woman. I'd met him through a phone dating system. Obviously he had made a date with someone else and at this very moment could be in her arms. I stalked back and forth in my living room. Why had I expected him to be different? Just because he was punctual and said he "really really" liked me didn't mean that I could trust him. The next evening he called to say that he'd fallen asleep early. The phone had jarred him awake at eleven but there had been no message. He still sounded annoyed. "Probably a wrong number," I said quickly. Good thing he couldn't see my face, because I could feel my cheeks flush. That was when I realized that I had an issue with trust. Of course it takes time and experience to get to know someone - but I'd been quick to jump to conclusions. I took a long, hard look at my life. I claimed to have no luck meeting suitable men over the age of 40 and none of my relationships lasted more than a few months. Why? Looking back, I realized that I had chosen men who were unavailable - either physically (separated by distance) or emotionally. Deep down I believed that men could NOT be trusted. Upon further reflection, I saw that my belief could be traced to feelings of betrayal in a long-ago relationship - the disillusion and let down I had experienced in so many ways by the man I'd married. In the years following my divorce I had dated men with charm and charisma, who were also unreliable or unpredictable. I just wasn't attracted to serious, responsible partners - they seemed boring by comparison. I poured my energy into my career and creative work and largely ignored my here-again, gone-again love life. What had changed? With time I grew tired of relationships that were going nowhere. I decided that I wanted to meet an honest man with integrity, someone I could truly respect and appreciate. I also decided that I'd rather remain happily single than be with anyone who didn't fit the bill. That decision opened the door to a different kind of relationship - one based on friendship and trust. How about YOU - are you ready to trust again? Here are some ways to tell: - Do you harbour feelings of resentment or betrayal? If so, something in your current life can trigger these feelings and surprise you with their impact. For instance a new partner who arrives late for dinner one evening can remind you of an habitually tardy spouse and bring up unexpected anger. When you consistently "overreact," recognize that you have a problem and trace it back to its source.
- Are you healed from the past? It is important to give yourself enough time to get over a person who once meant so much to you. If necessary, get help and support in coming to terms with your past. To truly heal, you also need to let love into your current life. Focus on developing nurturing friendships and new interests.
- Examine your beliefs - What do you REALLY believe or expect from members of the opposite sex? That they are out for what they can get? Unfortunately you will attract whatever you expect. It is also important to believe that you deserve to be well treated.
- Is there a pattern to your dating experiences? Are you drawn to the same type of character - e.g. someone who always puts you down, doesn't do what he or she says, or has problems with drugs, alcohol or money? You may be disillusioned with love and feel you have bad luck when it comes to the people you meet. However you CHOOSE these partners for a reason. Look back and check for similarities. Then ask yourself what beliefs you must hold to continually repeat this pattern.
What I discovered is that I don't need to trust a man as much as I NEED TO TRUST MYSELF. That is, to know that I am strong enough to leave a relationship that isn't working for me. To do this, I need a high level of self-esteem and I must be used to treating myself well. Moonlight and roses just don't cut it for me anymore - not if that's all there is. Copyright © 2004 by Thelma Mariano About The Author Thelma Mariano, life coach and author, is dedicated to bringing clarity and direction to people's lives. See her on-line coaching programs, articles and column at http://www.u-unlimited.ca. thelma@u-unlimited.ca
MORE RESOURCES:
Google News
|
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Picking Up The Pieces
"My feelings have changed," my boyfriend of five years told me during one of our nightly seven o'clock phone calls. "I don't think we should see each other anymore.
The Egoistic Friend
What are friends for and how can a friendship be tested? By behaving altruistically, would be the most common answer and by sacrificing one's interests in favour of one's friends. Friendship implies the converse of egoism, both psychologically and ethically.
Relationship Advice - 5 Sure Fire Ways to Mess Things Up
1) Stay committed to your "right to be right."Argue for your point of view, making sure you never entertain the possibility that your partner may have a valid point of view.
How Not to Compromise With Your Partner
Do you ever disagree with your spouse? Or your boyfriend or girlfriend? Of course not - she/he/it is perfect, right?You can imagine my shock when my friend confided in me that he and his wife often fought over tiny things."You're kidding.
Are all Men Unfaithful?
"Men are all the same. Stop looking for Prince Charming, Dreamer!""We just can't commit to one person! I Loooove Women!""I can't help it! Women want me!""I almost went with this co-worker of mine years ago, and I feel some kind of regret today that I haven't done it?""Caroline, I have an active sex life with my girlfriend.
Women and Men: Never The Twain Shall Meet
"Dear Happy Guy,"I just don't understand men. Last night I was sitting at the kitchen table, when my husband wandered by with a glass in his hand.
The Breakdown of Relationships and Why They Fail
All females need sexual tension from a prospective or existing partner to consider having or continuing to have, a physical relationship with them. Lose this from the start and you will become mayor of the friend zone.
Womens Cosmic Personality Quiz: Are You a Star Woman or an Earth Mother?
Star Women are visionary leaders, and focused on the future. Earth Mothers are focused on nurturing, caring, and giving.
How to Find Out If Your Wife or Girlfriend Is Cheating On You
What drives a woman to cheat may look a lot different than what drives a man to cheat however; it's really not very different. Most extramarital affairs happen because of unmet needs in the relationship.
8 Keys to Lasting Love
My granddaughter, Merritt Miles, was the inspiration for this CD, 8 Keys to Lasting Love. When Merritt was five years old I read a fairy tale to her and was very disturbed by the ending, "And they lived happily ever after.
Learn the Six Secrets of Chemical Romance
What is Chemical Romance? It's a scientific approach to seduction that reveals how to unleash the natural chemicals in the body. Have you ever felt an instant connection with someone you just met? Have you ever fallen in love at first sight?If yes, then you have experienced the powerful effects of chemical romance.
Mental Abuse - The 7 Most Important Things To Know
1. Sticks and stones won't break my bones" - and words won't leave any measurable physical damage, but they will cause progressive, long-term harm.
Love Relationships: Focusing on What went Right
What's all the Hype about Love Relationships, Anyway?Love relationships are not what they're cracked up to be. They take real effort -- things like: admiration, commitment, dedication, devotion, forgiveness, encouragement, strength, inspiration, motivation, understanding, compassion, hope, desire, steadfastness, and so much more.
Let Kissing Liven Up Your Meetings (and More Kissing Tips)
Every now and then a quarrel breaks out down at the barber shop, lines are drawn, challenges leveled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What is the greatest sport ever?Some say "football".
Romantic Relationships: An Internal Process
If you grew up in the 80s like I did, you might remember the group Depeche Mode and their hit "Just Can't Get Enough." It is a song about being obsessed with the idea of being with someone, about needing another person.
Relationship Advice: The Me Approach or the We Approach
A husband and wife were doing a little redecorating and rearranging one weekend morning. They were having an especially hard time pushing a dresser through a hall way door.
Did He Think of Me?
As a betrayed partner this was one of the first questions that I asked my husband when I found out about his affairs. Each affair elicited the same response from me.
Five Easy Steps to Creating Your Dream Relationship
Millions of singles across the world are looking to create relationship bliss. It takes time.
Couples - Learn to Work Together to Solve Problems
Q. There has to be some way around the continuing battle in our marriage.
Being Mindful of Your Mates Space
SOMETIMES I'LL ask a couple I'm seeing in therapy to do the following exercise.1.
|
