Denial Is Not A River In Egypt
Original it ain't, but it still merits repetition: "Denial is not a river in Egypt". What it is, is a highly addictive behaviour. It starts insignificantly enough; an incident occurs which you would have rather hadn't happened; words are spoken that are cruel and contemptuous, words you would not have wished to hear; a behaviour appears that you weren't expecting, which is hurtful and dismissive? Suddenly you're to blame, though you probably aren't too sure what for. Then it's gone again. Things revert to 'normality', the 'blip' is explained away, or simply not mentioned again. There may be an apology - but equally there may not - you may be told that you're making too much of something meaningless, or maybe although it 'won't happen again' (his undertaking), you somehow provoked it (your fault). And you look at this man in whom you've already invested so much emotion (and self-worth) and you really want to believe him. You probably need to believe him. So you find an explanation, or justification, for what happened: he was tired, or stressed, or worried, or jealous or drunk? and somehow you managed to make the situation worse and tip the scales? That's how denial starts. So denial isn't a river in Egypt. It's actually a snowball hurtling down a steep slope, becoming ever bigger and gathering momentum as it goes. Once you've started explaining his bad behaviours away, you just keep on doing it, way beyond the dictates of common sense and self-respect. Having put him on a pedestal, you're left in the mud and slime beneath his plinth; and that is where you stay, way, way too long. For the longest time - because whether it is months, years or decades it's always much too long - it's your being mired in manure that keeps him smelling of roses. If only women adhered to the "Three Strikes And You're Out" law - and by strikes I mean verbal assault as well as physical assault - but we don't. The statistic is that, on average, women will endure some ten times that number of 'strikes' before they finally get out. Once denial is established, fear sets in; a fear that eats away at a person. This week I received an email from a woman, which began with the brave words: "I love this man and I know that he loves me." It went on to say: "He puts me down and makes me feel like I am less than a dog on the street." Maybe, just maybe, he does love her some of the time in his own heartless, destructive, dysfunctional way. More likely he's attached to her in the way that any parasite is attached to what it feeds off. Doubtless he needs her, even more than she believes she needs him. But it's not love that he feels in the sense of caring for and being committed to fostering her emotional, spiritual, mental and physical well being. A harsh judgement? Maybe, but an informed one; I've been there, done that and still have the T shirt to prove that I tried to survive in a relationship where 'love' was often a dead ringer for hate. If you haven't been there, you'd think it would be pretty simple to tell love and venomous hate apart. But that's the beauty of denial: you genuinely stop being able to see the blindingly obvious. You can carry on missing the truth, even when it keeps punching and slapping you in the face. You hang on waiting for what you are desperate to believe will, finally, come into being. It doesn't, of course. It pains me deeply to think of any woman throwing away her precious life in this way. Denial is not a river in Egypt. If you've ever seen a dog on a length of chain trying futilely to break free, then you know what denial is and what it does. C) 2005 Annie Kaszina Joyful Coaching An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in helping women heal the trauma of the past, so they can enjoy the present and look forward to the future. Email:annie@joyfulcoaching.com To subscribe to Annie's twice monthly ezine, or order her eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be, go: to http://www.joyfulcoaching.com
MORE RESOURCES:
Google News
|
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Squashing the Gay Relationship Killer Known As Jealousy
IntroductionYou might feel it when that hot stud across the room at the gym gives your lover "the look-over." You might experience it if your ex-boyfriends ever cheated on you and then you project it onto your current man.
king Your Relationship Pattern, Part 3
Do you want to put to rest the people and situations from your past so they do not interfere with your current and future relationships?I bet you said yes. Who doesn't have something in their past they want to put to rest? Then let's talk about what action steps you can take to create the absence of past -- or completion -- in your life.
Relationship Red Flags Do Appear Early On
So often in the bloom of a new romance we set aside a few "minor" character flaws to let the relationship continue, where sometimes we really should just end it early, and cut our losses. I'll make a list of a few of the ones that often come up.
Women and Men: Never The Twain Shall Meet
"Dear Happy Guy,"I just don't understand men. Last night I was sitting at the kitchen table, when my husband wandered by with a glass in his hand.
Better Than Help
One thing that women in abusive relationships and their family and friends frequently request is 'help'; help to change the situation. While I understand, and can relate only too well, to their sentiment, the term 'help' makes me feel uncomfortable.
True Love - Part 2
Okay, so why would one person feel strongly about the other and the other hardly misses a beat? In my last article, I said that one of the reasons is that the 'despised' one probably isn't the one in the first place. But let's leave the 'despiser' for now and focus on the 'despisee'.
Has The Magic Gone From Your Relationship?
Kathleen and Dan have been together for several years now. At first it was magic and Dan was so romantic and attentive.
7 Power Skills that Build Strong Relationships
A strong, healthy relationship is one in which the partners show respect and kindness toward each other. The relationship forms a rewarding and enduring bond of trust and support.
Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Dear Candace,My fiancé and I just broke up, and I need to know if this was the right thing to do or not. I love him more than anything else in the whole world.
Affairs: Advice for the One Who Strayed
To the spouse who had the affair, it's time for what I call a multilevel apology.Anyone can say "I'm sorry," and it's important those words are spoken.
The Five Second Flirt Technique
The first thing you want to do is to get into the line of sight of the man you are attracted to. When you catch his eye, you must give him the most inviting and receptive look you can manage, for three seconds? Count them.
Dangerous Relationship?
I will in this article cover some of my own experiences living with a person with a dysfunctional personal disorder of type borderline. I call these person BP (BorderlinePersonality) to make things easier.
Discerning The Loving Heart
How often have you had the experience of connecting with someone - a friend or a potential partner - who turns out to be an uncaring person? At first you think this is a really good person, and then down the line you discover that the person is self-centered, narcissistic, angry and uncaring. You wonder how you could be so wrong, and what can you do differently next time?I have discovered in my 35 years of counseling that people seem to decide very early in their lives whether or not they want to care about and have compassion for others' feelings.
Why Some Women Are Desperate
I asked Dave how he was doing since it was the anniversary of his wife's death. He replied, "It's rough, but what is even worse, is women won't leave me alone! I don't want to hurt their feelings, but they phone me too so I can't even have peace in my own home.
Lifelong Partners, Lifelong Growth
Many people, maybe even you, think there is only one life partner for each of us in our lives. I've got good news - we all have many, many life partners.
Relationship Tips: 16 Practical Dramatic Ways to Know if He/She is REALLY Changing
Every relationship hits a snag, or worse, a major crisis (such as infidelity), that demands significant change if the relationship is to survive.So.
9 Reasons You May Not be Getting the Love you Deserve
Are you getting the love you deserve? Are you being appreciated, romanced, hugged, kissed, and respected? Is your romance dying slowly? Has it lost its sizzle, spark, glitter, excitement, energy, passion, and spontaneity?If your love life is on its last breath and barely hanging by a thread, you may be the one causing it. You read it right.
Great Relationship Advice: How to Balance Your Hear at Work with Your Heart at Home
Remember the Tom Cruise movie "Jerry Maguire?"From my seat in the theater, this movie had a much more valuable message than it's catch phrase "show me the money."Tom Cruise plays the title character Jerry Maguire, a fast moving sports agent who lives for the big score and makes big money.
Do You Enable?
We all have behaviors, tendencies, patterns, and the keenability to recognize any and all of them. However, whenwe become so accustomed and engrossed in them, how dowe know we are enabling someone else's negativebehaviors?It can be sometimes difficult to come to this realization,because it is has been such a seemingly normal way of lifefor a designated period of time.
Finding a Life Partner
Dear Candace,I'm 35 years old and ready to open my heart to a true partner. I have honored myself in the past by leaving relationships that weren't right, yet I wonder if my idea of how I think it is supposed to be is preventing me from creating what I truly want.
|
